WEEDING OUT THE YUPPIES

Originally published June 30, 1986, by Mike Barnicle for The Boston Globe

Now that the Olde Towne Team and Tom Seaver are both on a roll, fans are coming out of the woodwork. It’s the end of June with the boys in Crimson Hose out in front and the ballpark is packed to capacity for each home game.

And whenever Roger Clemens is on the mound, they line Yawkey Way for the chance to watch “The Phenom” throw bee­bees at batters who better not blink. Already, a lot of partisans have figured out the rest of the summer’s pitching rotation in order to grab up tickets for Clemens’ future appearances.

It doesn’t really matter that a big reason for the Red Sox surge to the top is the fact that the American League East is no longer as strong as it used to be. Nor does it matter that Baltimore, the Yankees, Tigers and Blue Jays are struggling along with poor pitching. There are no asterisks placed next to a lucky win or a mediocre opponent.

And nothing in sport compares to the feelings aroused when the Sox are going good. Take the euphoria surrounding the Celtics championships, the Patriots Super Bowl appearance, the Bruins Stanley Cup, add them all up and, together, they cannot equal the crowd adrenalin during one inning of a Red Sox game that means something in October. The other local clubs are merely professional sports franchises. The Red Sox are us.

However, there is one bummer about the surprising play of the townies. This is the sudden appearance of a considerable number of yuppies now masquerading as legitimate baseball fans.

It’s a disgrace. This large element of Back Bay yuppie trash has no business being at the ball park. They go because, like all true front­runners, they want desperately to be identified with a winner. To them, the Red Sox are now the baseball equivalent of scrubbed pine benches from Vermont, aerobics, California wine, tofu sandwiches and a Saab Turbo.

These yuppie fruitcakes are not fans. They are faddists. They are here just for the ride. To them, it’s not important who wins or loses as long as they are seen at the park in their wrinkled khakis, pink shirts, boat shoes and picnic lunches in a Bildner’s bag.

It’s important to weed these people out. So, in order to separate real fansfrom fryuppies, we offer the following Red Sox quiz. Any true fan will be able to score at least 7 out of 10 correct answers.

Questions:

  1. Who uses the most consistently foul and abusive language heard on the field at Fenway Park?
  2. What was Mickey McDermott’s most famous hit?
  3. What man got a paycheck from the Boston Red Sox, Boston Braves, Boston Celtics and Boston Bruins in the same year?
  4. What former Red Sox player has the greatest baseball name of all time?
  5. Who was the hottest hitter in the club’s history?
  6. Any team can come up with starting pitchers. Who was the best closer the Red Sox ever came up with?
  7. Speaking of pitchers, which one had the most imaginative arm injury ever seen at Fenway Park?
  8. What Red Sox pitcher had the best head for the game?
  9. Who is buried in the Red Sox bullpen?
  10. Name the most popular manager in team history and why.
  11. What would Ted Williams hit if he played today?

Answers:

  1. No contest: Joe Mooney, the groundskeeper. Can he ever swear.
  2. It was when he punched Bob Holbrook, a Globe sportswriter.
  3. The late Tommy McCarthy, who ran the press room for all four franchises at one time during a life that was a blessing to anyone who knew him.
  4. Matt Batts, a Sox catcher in the early 50s.
  5. Rudy York, who on April 26, 1947, nearly burned down the old Myles Standish hotel smoking in bed.
  6. Ellis Kinder, who closed more joints around Kenmore Square than a sailor on shore leave and once fell off the mound, drunk. Runner­up is Jimmy Foxx..
  7. A toss­up between Dizzy Trout, who burned his elbow frying chicken, and Bob Porterfield, who once burned his fingers playing with matches before a game.
  8. An easy one: John Wyatt. He got whacked on the back of the head when Sox catcher Bob Tillman hit him in the squash trying to throw a runner out at second. Wyatt stayed in the game.
  9. Leo Kiely’s pet cat.
  10. Walter Underhill. He manages the bar in the Red Sox hospitality room and has never, ever, shut anyone off.
  11. He’d have trouble hitting .300 but you have to remember that he’s 68 years old.

 

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